around 85% of this journal ;

bye loves.

close to a breakdown,
close to a deadline(s),
nowhere close to achieving what i wanted.

I have been living like a zombie just because:
been popping my meds because its hurting like, all. the. time :(((
and coz of the said meds, i have been having dizzy bouts.. and i need more sleep but...
been having sleep around 3 hours, max is 4-5 hours only..
how to have enough sleep when..
my project is driving me crazy?!

k.. breathes in.. breathes out..
this will all be over in few weeks time..

no updates until my projects are over..
bye till then!

lousy. i tell ya, i am lousy.
yeah, i'm feeling very demoralized.
and i don't like it.

it's been a year since i last had this - but its back with a vengeance.
hah.
my backpain's getting worse by the days, i really should start take the painkillers - but i hate depending on it.
like the last time..
but i need new meds.. mine is running out alr i think.. or finished..
it's 12am, and i don't feel like getting up.
=(

at the same time, i have this fear.. of rejection.
i don't want this.
but i do have to persevere thru everything right..?

i am getting unreliable, i cannot focus on anything, hopelessly unreliable.
if i were any other person i would hate me.
urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

submission at 6pm maryam. jy jy jy!

i am saying all these as if im unaffected. pfffft.
---------
p.s: not looking forward to 20th of jan. :(

when i received my madev ICA marks back on monday, i was crushed.
i felt like crying when i saw my grades.
i got F for it.
i've never received any F before, and im really scared right now, and it's 100% ICA.

i don't wanna fail, i don't wanna fail, i don't wanna fail.
i don't want to repeat another semester.
im going to force myself understand and memorise everything.

because i keep on thinking, what if i fail the written test on monday?
totally screwed right, 'coz its a 30% ICA,
failing that would meant very slim chance of me passing it.
and just pass the w.test also would meant im screwed up as very high chance also of failing.
and i gotta pass with very high marks for the written test.

and what's the chances again you tell me?

im scared.

to my 21st.
to a decision.
to getting a new phone (lol).

break or make it.

omgosh, i feel a bit old. :(
a bit only, 'coz imma young girl at heart!
=D

now gotta stop procrastinating and start doing my stuffs :)
which is, loads. but it is slowly dwindling into a number i can manage, so yeah.
bye lovelies.. <3

I don't want to turn out be pessimist and distrusting and everything negative.
Because i've got too many examples to turn to, and i don't wanna that happens to me..

Every night,I want to strive to be able to forgive everyone..
Because i want to emulate prophet's Muhammad SAW of forgiveness.

I want to be able to love and not to ask back anything in return.


goodnight world.

trust.

it's the one word that one uses so often, but not often practiced.
it's the one word that comes hand in hand with love.
it's the one word that i can't help but repeat to no avail.
it's the one word that i often screwed up, until now.

how do you repair a broken trust when in the 1st place, it's not whole in the beginning?

i'm at loss for words.
imyt.
happy & shiny, not me at the moment.
missing many, many people atmt.
i feel useless. in everything, in anything.
:'(

i need my sunshine pills. the ones that never fail to remind me who i've become today, the ones who always manage to make me laugh no matter how down i am.. the ones who are everything to me.